New Year's Past by Iris Rosewater

Almost half my life ago
tonight
you and I were dancing
embarrassed and bored
at my church across the street

we walked the asphalt's distance
to your trailor

I wished twelve times
on red grapes

rolling each one around in my mouth
before biting in

Asking for things like
straight A's
and bigger breasts

wishing he'd come back from Roswell
and kidnap me
in his white steed

Tonight
almost half my lifetime
later
I wished again
sneaking over to Pam's house
just after midnight
with grapes in hand

I wished to hear my four year old son
say a whole sentence

I wished for my dear friend
to recover well
from her mastectomy

I wished to forget at the very moment
I remembered
and keep remembering...

I closed my eyes each time
almost smelling the cigarette smoke
and hearing Flora's tipsy laugh

Leah,
Your kind eyes
blue as the ocean

unseeing into this future.

Past Dreams

My most memorable dream is from when I was around 5. I was in a big house, I don't know how I got there. I was looking for a door, but there weren't any. I found a huge picture window, and my family was standing outside. I wanted to get out to them, but I couldn't. I never saw a monster, but I knew there was one, that he was keeping me captive.
I dream every night, very vividly-it's like I am watching movies all night. I can remember lots of snippets, images, concepts. One I was at a pet store and a huge oscar like our fish Brutus. He was going crazy in the tank, as Brutus does, and he broke the side. There was water everywhere! I remember going to Disneyland, riding all the rides. Once I was at a water park. I often dream that there is something I need or want to see, but my eyes won't open. I dream that I can't run fast enough-to get to something or away from someone. My favorite re-occuring dream is where I start to run and can "fly," my feet never touching the ground. I dream quite often that I am back in High School, sometimes doing it over again, sometimes young again. I am always in band, usually during marching season.
I've dreamt things too embarassing to tell, things too mundane to remember. I wish I were asleep and dreaming right now.

Dream snippets

Happy MLK JR Day to all!

Our celebration of this holiday involves listening to U2's "Pride (In the name of love)" and posting our vivid dream recollections.

I have a head cold and always have stranger dreams when I am sick. Since last night's dream is most fresh, I will tell about that one. I am on the phone with Tiff and she tells me she has a great idea for a music video. After talking to her, I turn on the TV and there she is on MTV! She and Ringo have marimbas set up in the concrete center of a busy 4-lane street, just under a traffic light. They are playing, and then Dave steps on top of a car with a microphone and starts singing. (18-year-old, long-haired, jean-jacketed, bearded Dave). Then the video shows him getting off the car, still singing, walking amid multiples of Daves all over the place at various adolescent ages... there is a big crowd of them. It's very bizarre. I look over at Chadd (still the dream) who is asleep, and wake him up, saying: "Look- it's Dave... that guy I was engaged to!" And he sleepily looks over at the TV. Then Charlie starts making noise in the next room and I wake up.

Another vivid dream from when I was 14 years old:

There is a tall chest at my mom's house that she had made for Ray and I when I was little. In my dream, my 3-year-old self is looking at me with disapproval. A wave of shame crashes through me and I feel convicted by her glare. So, I pick her up like a baby in my arms, take her over to the cabinet/chest and lift up the lid to the little storage compartment, putting her inside and shutting the door, so I can't see her look at me that way anymore. Yeah. Creepy one... still vivid.

In another dream when I was 10, my best friend who had moved to Germany came back. It was so real and I was so elated that I woke up and expected to see her when i opened my bedroom door. It was really emotional.

Okay. That's all I have time to remember. The small ones are too quiet downstairs :)

Story about Great-Grandma by Ray Ray

I’ll never forget the morning my sister Margaret May arrived. The skies outside were black with rain clouds, and my big sister Marie told me that that’s how it was when I was born seven years earlier. She told me how cold it had been that September morning, and how she had prayed for me and mama to be ok. I asked her if we could pray for Mama now, since I could hear her laboring in the bedroom. I’d heard a woman birthing before, but this was different. It was my Mama, and she was screaming something awful.
Marie took me to the corner of our bedroom where we had a chair. We knelt around it and took turns saying prayers for Mama and the baby to be alright. I had never prayed so hard in my life. After a while I noticed that Mama’s screams had quieted down, and I asked Marie if we could go check on her. She told me to tiptoe downstairs with her, and we would peek in but not get in the way.
When we reached the bedroom, I stood by the door with my back against the wall. I could hear Mrs. Klein, the neighbor lady, talking softly. My Mama was quiet except for when she would breathe big breaths every minute or so. Suddenly Mrs. Klein yelled, “Keep on pushing, Anna Marie, I can see the head!” I couldn’t help myself, I rushed into the room. Marie grabbed the sash of my dress and tried to pull me back, but Mama saw me and smiled.
“Come and see, Anna,” she said through gritted teeth. I went and stood by Mrs. Klein and watched the babies head, then body emerge. It was so red and slimy, but so beautiful. “It’s a little girl,” Mrs. Klein announced, wiping the baby, then wrapping her in a blanket and handing her to Mama.
“Margaret May,” Mama said, smiling at the squirming little infant in her arms. She and Papa had decided on the name just the week before. Papa was sure the baby would be a boy, and saw no need to think of a girl’s name. But Mama had said that she just knew it was a girl, and could he please just have a name ready, just in case.
“Anna, Marie, come look at your new sister.” Marie went right over to her, and Mama handed Margaret May to her. I just stood where I was, at the foot of the bed, a memory of a different baby in my head. When I was five, I loved to carry my baby brother ?????? around the house. One day as I was walking into the kitchen I dropped him, and even though I picked him right up and Mama said he was ok, I felt awful. I loved my baby brother dearly. A few weeks later he died, and I felt like dying, too. I just knew that I had killed him, and I hid in my room for three days after the funeral. Mama finally found me and hugged me told me that ???????? had died from Pneumonia, not from falling.
Mama was looking at me. “Anna, don’t you want to hold your sister?” I just shrugged, and looked away. I could feel my mama’s eyes on my face. “Anna, come over here.” I slowly walked to my mama’s side, but I still couldn’t look at her.
“Anna, I know what you’re thinking,” Mama said softly. “You are a big girl now, and I trust you to hold Margaret May.” Her big blue eyes looked into mine, and I felt how much she loved me. I turned to Marie and held out my arms. She smiled at me and handed me the baby.
“Hello, Margaret May,” I whispered. She was a pretty baby, her skin so creamy already, her grey eyes seeming to study me. I stood there holding her for what seemed like hours, my beautiful little sister.
“She loves you already,” Mama said. “I can tell you two will be best of friends.”

Story from 1999 by Rachel F.

I have loved Ethan Sommers all of my life. Well, since I was seven anyway. That’s when the Sommers family moved in next door. Ethan was eight, and at first sight of him my heart melted. He was tall with spiky black hair and huge brown eyes. My family lived in a house on an acre of land. There was a vacant house on the adjoining acre. Mom and Mrs. Sommers had known each other back in their Junior High days, and when Mrs. Sommers returned to town with her husband and five children, my mom suggested they buy the house next to ours.

The land we lived on had at one time been farmed, but the previous owners had let the land go. The fields were covered in rocks and waist high weeds. On the edge of our property, over a hill where no one could see, was a lot of old junk that had been left over the years. My parents called it a junkyard, but I called it my own personal playground. I spent many afternoons climbing on the old tractors and searching for treasures.

Ethan seemed oblivious to my adoration. At first he ignored me, but by the time I was nine, he realized that I wasn’t so bad and we became best buddies. I was always a tomboy. My mom tried to put me in pink dresses, but I refused. I only wore jeans and t-shirts. My long brown hair always hung loose, except for the occasional ponytail on windy days. I much preferred building forts in the junkyard to playing with dolls.

My love for Ethan turned to admiration during our pre-teen years. Ethan had all the cool ideas. I was happy just to be his sidekick. Ethan had three older sisters and a baby brother. I, on the other hand, had two older brothers and no sisters. Ethan and I spent countless hours sifting through the ancient junk behind our houses.

When Ethan turned 15 and entered High School, things began to change. All of a sudden he realized that he was quite good-looking. The girls liked him, and he liked them back. Except me, of course. That year I spent a lot of time alone.

The next year our parents decided to clear the fields and try to farm again. I was the youngest, and the Sommer’s baby Kyle was too young. Ethan’s sisters would not lower themselves to hauling trash around in a pick-up, and my brothers were away at college. So Ethan and I were volunteered. I was glad to do it; this meant more time with Ethan. He was not too enthused. I suppose he thought valuable dating time was lost, or that this work was now below him since he was part of a “popular” crowd at school that didn’t do that sort of thing. But he did it. We worked together after school, hauling junk into my parent’s pick-up and down to the ancient burial ground.

“Look at this car door, Ethan! I wonder what type of car it comes off of.”

“Who cares? Let’s hurry and get another load. Jenn Smitts is coming out to study.”

Jenn Smitts. A beautiful blond cheerleader. I doubted much studying would go on, and I felt like throwing up at that thought. My romantic feelings for Ethan were still as strong as ever. He had gotten much more handsome over the past few years.

One day while we were getting into the pickup after unloading some junk, I looked over at him, and I noticed his eyes. I had always known they were big and brown, but that night, as he sat staring at the sunset, I really saw them. He had long, dark lashes. “Ethan?” I said. He turned to me, and I saw two deep pools of confusion. I don’t know what he was thinking, but I will never forget that look. He looked at me for a few moments, and then smiled a far off smile. “Yeah, we’d better get home,” he finally said. I could have spent the entire night sitting next to him in the truck. We wouldn’t have had to say a word. There was a feeling there, like we were ten and eleven again, and we were thinking quietly about some mysterious treasure we’d dug up.

After that day Ethan was more courteous to me. We still didn’t do much together besides haul junk and till the ground. Jenn Smitts was his steady by now. I saw her car at the Sommers’ often, and Ethan’s car gone more often than not.

By Ethan’s senior year the land was tilled and farmed. Our mothers took over the work, but I helped as often as I could. I loved being outdoors and watching things grow. One day I was helping in a field, which had become quite muddy from heavy rain the night before. I was wearing jeans and an old flannel shirt. It was breezy and my long straight hair was pulled into a careless ponytail. As I trudged through the mud, Ethan and Jenn drove up to tell his mom they were going out for the evening. I didn’t look, but I could feel Jenn’s eyes on me. I could sense the smirk, hear her thoughts. “What an ugly girl, playing in the mud.” I looked at Ethan, and he came over to me and put his hand on my cheek. He stared at me with those beautiful brown eyes with such a serious expression. Finally a grin took over his face. “You have mud on your face, silly.” He winked at me, then walked back to his car. As he drove away with his princess, I felt my heart begin to ache. “I need to go home and study now,” I told our moms. I went into my bathroom at home and stared in the mirror. My face was splattered with mud. My hair was coming out of its confines. I had never worn makeup, and had never cared. I only washed and brushed my hair in the mornings, and I wore outfits similar to my current one to school. “How ugly Ethan must think I am,” I thought.

In May of my 17^th year, Ethan graduated from High School. He and Jenn were going to different Universities, so they spent most of their time together. I had made some new friends at school, so I spent most of my time with them, or helping my parents on the farm. When Ethan left for school in August, I was away visiting my oldest brother. The last time I had seen him I was driving into the driveway, and he and Jenn were coming out. He had absentmindedly waved, and that was our goodbye.

A few months after Ethan left, his parents divorced. I hadn’t even seen it coming. Before they left the house, Mrs. Sommers asked me to come over and help her pack. She assigned me to the office. There I found a stack of old photo albums. There were several pictures of Ethan and I, posing in front of our forts, swimming, laughing. As the years went on, I was in less and less of the photos. Jenn had replaced me. I’d never thought of it this way, and it startled me. I hurried and finished packing the room, then ran home and cried.

My senior year was the best. I finally took some notice of my appearance, and developed some very strong friendships. I was happy. I missed Ethan, but I had put him in the back of my heart. I began dating here and there. I still loved to go out to the treasure pile, but now more to think than to search. I did take my best friend Allison out there one day, and we had a fun time treasure hunting.

When graduation came I was ready for it. I wasn’t in the top 10 of my class, but I was pleased with my grades and had gotten into a University only a couple of hours away. I’d decided to attend there because it was a good school, and not too far from home, and I got a good scholarship. I didn’t want to admit it, but I think another reason for my decision was that Ethan went there too.

After graduation exercises Allison had a party at her house. Her parents were quite well off, and had a large home. None of my crowd drank, so we had the party in her basement with soda and chips and candy.

As I stood talking to some friends, I glanced around the room and had to do a double take. I saw those eyes! Those deep, searching, yearning beautiful eyes! And they were staring at me.

“Ethan!” I couldn’t help crying out. He came to me and held my shoulders and stared at me.

“Erin, I didn’t even recognize you!” He stood there and smiled at me. Right then I felt like I was 7 again, and seeing Ethan for the first time. How beautiful he was, with his black hair and big eyes.

I don’t know how long we stood there just smiling at each other. Finally he reached out and hugged me, just holding me tightly in his arms. It was the first time he’d ever hugged me, and I had never felt so warm and happy as I did at that moment.

We exchanged small talk, how’s your family and so on, but his eyes never left my face. As I looked into them, I noticed something different about hem. The confusion was gone. Only a sort of peace was held in them. I realized we weren’t talking anymore, just staring and smiling. Finally Ethan took my hand and whispered, “Let’s go.” He led me to his car and silently we drove to, then past my house, his old house, the fields, and then stopped at the ancient pile of treasure. We sat on two overturned buckets and Ethan held my hand lightly. He told me about Jenn getting married six months into school, and how hard it was when his parents divorced.

“When they told me they were selling the house, I couldn’t believe it. All I could think was ‘Then Erin won’t be our neighbor. What will I do without Erin?” He realized that he loved me, had loved me since the days of building forts and digging treasures. “I just hadn’t realized what it was until then.”

Then Ethan kissed me for the first time, there under the night sky, beside the ancient treasures, and my heart sang, and Ethan’s eyes shone brighter than the stars.